Tuesday, April 22, 2014

1 Down. 5 to Go. Oh and I Hate Chemo.

Have you ever been afraid to face your real feelings?  The ones that don't match what your mother says or what the Bible says or what you KNOW in your head to be true?  Maybe that's why I haven't written too much about Joe's journey here on Taste{Full}.  I mean you come here for parties and DIY right? Not cancer drama.  But maybe it's because we've made it through one round or because it's chemo day (round 2) or because I'm pregnant and emotional, or because my husband is so stinking strong that I feel like I need to be weak.  For a minute.  And what better place to do it than the world wide web? ha.

I hate chemo.  I do.  I hate that they call it "infusion therapy" as if that makes it suck less.  I hate that it makes my husband sick and weak and tired.  I hate that the effects trump the effects of pregnancy.  Because you know- it's my last one and I was really going to make him work! I hate that even though it's supposed to work, what if it doesn't?  I know it's going to make him well.  I know God gives us brains, which give us technology, which give us great medicine, which heal us.  I know people who don't have access to the medical care we have would probably want to punch me in the throat for taking it for granted.  I don't care.  I hate watching my husband being infused with something that, while eventually will make him well, in the meantime makes him sick.  It's hard. It's way harder than I thought it would be.  And I keep telling people it's MUCH better than I expected.  Which makes me realize I could NOT have handled what I expected.  Like I couldn't have watched him vomiting and retching and weak and nauseous. Because I might have wanted to curl up and go away.  Instead I just want to get through this.  

It really hasn't been as bad as I thought.  He's weak, tired, and nauseous but not like in the movies.  But it's still SO far from normal.  I mean I almost wish I had a husband like those they make fun of in sitcoms.  One who does nothing around the house and "babysits" his kids, rather than parents them. Maybe then it would be easier to not count on him, not rely on him, and not have the pleasure of his company.  But I don't. I have a phenomenal husband.  One that more than pulls his weight- practically speaking, spiritually, financially.  He pitches in. He keeps us strong.  Even now, while in pain at worst and in exhaustion at best, he keeps us strong.  He reminds me not to go by my feelings but by what we know to be true (by what our moms say and what the Bible says.  really.) He reminds me to stand on the word of God and have faith. He reminds me that our journey isn't just about us and that there's a bigger picture to consider.  He's "excited" [and I quote] "for what God will do through this."  Crazy kid.  And deep down I know.  And deep down, if 2 months ago, God had given me option A: to not go through this or option B: to trust Him that we will be better for it and it will positively affect some people we come into contact with and that we would be used by him, I would have chosen option B.  I wouldn't have said, "nope, God, I know better.  And I'd MUCH rather be comfortable.  Thanks but move on please."  My heart really is to be in His will.  Even when I don't get it.

Nevertheless it's hard.  And I'm sorry for the pity party.  I seriously just needed to get this off of my chest. And now I can exhale.  And have faith that we will get through this and we will be stronger for it. And God is holding us in the palm of his hand, leading us to a glorious destiny.  And if I know you all, you will rally around us like you have these past couple of months and I can lean on you a bit too.


Wednesday, April 16, 2014

And Then there were FIVE: Why We Decided to Have Another Baby (After Almost Deciding Not to).

In our initial announcement I said "We're crazy! We're going to have another baby!"  Well I wanted to follow up to that "crazy" party.  What I meant was, we’re crazy enough to think:

Monday, April 14, 2014

Baby Boy Nursery Planning...Sort of.

{via}
So I've begun to gather some ideas for the nursery.  But I say nursery planning "sort of," because I'm trying to be realistic.  I really have little time, energy, or budget for this nursery.  I can't rely on Joe too much for manual labor so I really need to keep it simple.

Monday, April 7, 2014

We're Having A.... {Gender Reveal!!!}

So, we had our ultrasound today but to be honest we already knew the gender of our baby!  I know- I can't believe I kept it a secret for 7 days.  WHAT?!  I'll tell you that story later because I know you want to get to the good stuff...So...here....Goes...............................................................................

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Getting Away Before Chemo.

Can I be honest? I still hate the word Chemo.  Chemotherapy.  It was what I was believing against. I was all about supernatural healing.  Even though I've learned about all of the side effects, with everything they say "you never know."  "It affects each person differently." "He could have no side effects at all." Or my favorite, "You're young and strong and will withstand this like a rock star." Still scary but I'm clinging to the peace of God that passes all understanding.  I've promised God and myself that I will trust Him every step of the way. Even when I don't get it.  To that end, Joe starts chemo on April 1st.

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

5 Fun Ways to Announce Your Pregnancy.

You know how I always say I like everything cute.  Or I could say everything has the potential to be cute.  Not that everything always is.  I get that.  But sometimes just a little bit of effort and a small amount of cash is SO worth it in the end.  Take pregnancy announcements for instance. After the fun photos we took for our pregnancy announcement--that we will cherish forever and ever-- I am more convinced than ever of the pay off.  When I was researching ideas and products, I found there was a lot (and I mean a lot) out there that I would never spend my hard earned cash on!  I waded and waded through a lot of etsy listings.  I figured I could maybe save someone out there some time by pointing out a few fun places to start.

Monday, March 17, 2014

In Us Through This: How to Keep up to Date With Our Journey.

We keep saying we know God is going to work in us and through this.  "This" being a cancer diagnosis. God is already at work and we can see His hand during what should be a ridiculously scary experience.  I don't know why but I'm still hesitant to bare my soul about everything.  (I'm not as strong as my husband is). But for those who want to keep in the know, Joe's blog is here.  He named it Walking Through the Fire because from the beginning Isaiah 43:1-5 has been a bible passage we've stood on. The first few verses are below:

It goes on to say that we are precious and honored and God loves us and to not be afraid because he is with us.

Joe thought a blog would be helpful to keep friends and family up to date on what is happening.  He also wanted to chronicle this journey so we could look back and see how God wove everything together for his glory and our good. It scares me to type that because there is a very real threat to our family here and it's one I have to constantly bring under subjection.  I can't succumb to the fear.  I made up my mind to trust God every step of the way. Trust him when the biopsy goes wrong (Trust him that Joe needs a biopsy in the first place).  Trust him during a 3:30 am trip to the ER after the biopsy. Trust him when the diagnosis is in fact "cancer."  TRUST him.  I'm believing for complete healing for my husband.  But I'm not trusting in that.  I'm trusting in the Lord.  Whatever happens.  Whatever comes.  I trust God.

The Sunday after everything happened the song "Oceans" by Hillsong came on during the worship service at my church and it was as if my feet had a mind of their own.  I nearly ran to the altar, fell to my knees, and praised God. I praised Him because He is GOOD. I praised Him for carrying our family through this journey. I praised Him because it was all I could do.  The bridge to the song goes like this:

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

Read more: Hillsong United - Oceans (Where Feet May Fail) Lyrics | MetroLyrics 


I couldn't have said it better myself.  I want TRUST without borders.  He's taking me deeper than my feet could ever wander.  I want my faith to be made stronger. And I want to remain in his presence.  A friend said to me, Victims say "Why me?" Victor's say "What now?"  And I would add "Lord."  

So, What Now Lord?  What now?

I'm copying Joe's blog- I love that he ends each post with a song.  Here's the entire song "Oceans":


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